Discipline & Parenting Without Stress
Dr. Marvin Marshall on Education and Parenting
Likability is the shortest path to believability, trust, and effectiveness.
It is also the easiest path to influence others.
It may be worthwhile to reflect on this one quality above others—the quality that prompts people to do what you would like them to do.
Three practices are most productive in this regard. They are (1) communicating in POSITIVE, rather than in negative, terms; (2) showing OPTIONS that are available; and (3) REFLECTING on how to overcome objections.
Every so often messages and stories are repeated in order to bring them back to our attention.
Often we are not conscious of the power of our communications.
The words and phrases we use in our daily interactions have three major influences:
(1) They influence how we think and experience the world,
(2) They shape the way others see us, and
(3) They determine how much cooperation and success we have with other people.
We can use words which are landmines–which will blow up our odds of getting cooperation–or we can be persuasive in a positive way. For example, if I introduce a phrase with the word, “unfortunately,” it conjures up that something bad will follow. I have communicated in such a way that it prompts the listener to set up a negative mindset.
The key is to accentuate the positive. When thoughts are guided to focus on the positive and constructive, then the self is nourished and enriched. A monkey is smart enough to eat only the nourishing banana and throw away the bitter peel. Yet, humans often “chew on the peel” of negatives. Negative thoughts and words affect us in the ways listed above.
The following short tale will help you focus on the positive so that you will think this way, will shape how others see you, and will influence how much cooperation and success you have with other people.
A salesgirl in a candy store always had customers lined up waiting while other salesgirls stood around. The owner of the store noted her popularity and asked for her secret. “It’s easy,” she said. “The other girls scoop up more than a pound of candy and then start subtracting some.”
She continued, “I always scoop up less than a pound and then add to it.”
People are like magnets. They are drawn to the positive and repelled by the negative.
A interesting conversation revolved around ideas and strategies about how to most effectively influence others to change their behaviors.
This discussion led to the concept about how eliciting a consequence is more effective than imposing one. As Dodie and I were conversing, she related the following incident about her son, Paul, when he was six years old:
He and two other kindergarten boys got into a tussle on the playground, and they were also disobedient. Paul knew that if I ever got a call from school about his behavior, it would be met with disapproval.
When I went to pick him up, he said right away, “What’s my punishment going to be?”
I said to him that he knew what he had done wrong, that his behavior was inappropriate, and that he had to decide for himself what his punishment would be. He thought about it for awhile and decided that six days of being “grounded” should be his punishment—no electronic games, no friends over, no extra activities, no dinner out.
This happened on a Monday, and he told me that he picked six days because if he was good for those days, he would be un-grounded by Sunday and would still have one day to play on the weekend. It was a long six days for him, but he made it and actually had a friend over to play on Sunday.
When I went to pick him up on Monday from school, he was very excited. As he left the building, he yelled out to one of his friends and a teacher’s aide, “It’s good not to be grounded!”
Perhaps you should know that Paul started putting himself in time-outs when he was 3! Probably because that’s what I did with myself. If I became frustrated or mad or impatient with him, I would excuse myself. I would say, “Paul, I’m going to go sit on the porch and take a break. I’ll come back and talk with you when I’m calm.” He usually came to look for me to apologize for his behavior or to see if I was alright.
There is an old story about the U.S.S. Enterprise that was traveling along the Eastern seaboard. It saw a light in front and thought that the ship was going to collide with the other ship. So the Enterprise sent a signal for the other ship to travel in a different direction. “We are the U.S.S. Enterprise and you are on our course. Please go south.”
A message came back, “ We cannot move.”
A second message was sent. “We are the U.S.S. Enterprise. If you don not move, we will collide.”
Another message came back. “Sorry, we will and cannot move.”
A last message was sent. “We are the mighty U.S.S. Enterprise. If you do not change course, we will destroy you—guaranteed.”
The message came back: “ We are the lighthouse. Your choice.”
Too often, we want others to change when it is up to us to change our course.
One of the most effective practices is to listen as if you were the other person who is talking.
For example, looking at a situation from my wife’s point of view benefits me. We settle what could be a disruptive situation a lot quicker and more effectively than if I looked at the situation only from my point of view.
This is a conscious choice that I make. When I do this, I get better results than when I do not. I practice an alertness to situations where I can employ this technique so that it becomes a “habit of mind,” as Dr. Art Costa refers to it.
I feel good when I take charge of my own behavior because I feel that I am more in control.
This strategy means that I set aside some of my own views and redirect some of my impulsive reactions. It means that I ask reflective questions. It means I empathize. These skills require practice. Furthermore, there is a commitment—a trying to get better at it.
After the conversation with my wife, I look back and reflect: “Did I do a good job?” “Could I have done it better?” “What might I do better next time when we have one of these situations?” “What procedure will I follow to be sure that I implement my intentions?
One of the beautiful characteristics of being human is the opportunity for continual improvement.
Business, government, and—unfortunately—even educational leaders have fallen into the simplistic approach that accountability equals test scores. Dr. W. Edwards Deming, the American who brought true quality to the workplace and who was a statistician by training, commented that the most important characteristics cannot be measured.
Here are some characteristics which make for success that high-stake testing do not measure: character values, creativity, thinking, motivation, ambition, persistence, humor, reliability, politeness, enthusiasm, civic-mindedness, self-discipline, self-awareness, empathy, leadership, and compassion. The most important characteristic has not been mentioned, and here is how you can have some fun with it.
If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
equals
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26
then
K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E
(11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5) = 96,
and
H+A+R+D+W+0+R+K
(8+1+18+4+23=15+18+11) = 98.
Both are important, but both fall short of 100.
The most important factor, however, hits the magic mark, namely,
A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E
(1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5) = 100.
A story about the legendary escape artist, Harry Houdini, demonstrates the danger of mistaken assumptions. According to the tale, Houdini began his career by traveling throughout Europe visiting small towns and challenging the local jailer to bind him in a straitjacket and lock him in a cell. He had no trouble until he reached a small Irish village. In front of a crowd of townspeople and newspaper reporters, Houdini easily broke free of the straitjacket, but he failed to unlock the cell.
After everyone had left, Houdini admitted defeat and asked the the jailer to release him. Then the jailer confessed the trick. He had never locked the the cell door, and Houdini never pulled on the unlocked door before playing with its lock. Houdini had succeeded in locking himself in!
Marcia Wieder, who tells the story, asks, “What is the Houdini in your life?”
We often lock ourselves in— rather than break out of our “cell.” This is because we do that which FEELS comfortable. We continue to engage in activities because we become accustomed to what we do—regardless of how ineffective, unproductive, and wrong they may be.
I have a tendency to be goal directed. Having a goal in my pursuits feels right to me. I almost lost my life—along with my wife’s and daughter’s because of it. We were cross-country skiing in Yosemite on a beautiful winter day heading out for a magnificent view. Unfortunately, we left too late in the morning, but that did not stop me from reaching my goal of the view from Dewey Point. By the time we reached our destination, ate our lunches, and started the return to our motorhome, the shadows from the tall pine trees hid the view of the trail markers. At 1:00 in the morning, we concluded that we would not make it back that night. We survived by huddling in a dry area and getting up every fifteen minutes to run in place to keep warm during the 15 degree (Fahrenheit) temperature.
Although I still enjoy knowing the direction I am headed, I unlocked the cell of my compunction to reach a goal at all costs. Interestingly, I have become more effective. Just ask my wife and daughter.
Taking conscious control of self-talk can act like a magic wand to shift to empowering and controlling mental states. Young people can be taught to self-talk in enabling and self-powering ways. Phrases such as “prompts me” and “stimulates me” can be substituted for the powerless “made me” and “caused me.”
Additional words that reduce “victim” thinking are references to “influence,” “persuade,” “arouse,” “irritate,” “annoy,” “pique,” and “provoke.” These words do not give away power; they merely describe the effect on oneself.
Instead of thinking, “The task is too difficult,” young people can be taught to take charge by eliminating the “too” and by changing the word “difficult” into “challenging”—as in, “The task is challenging.”
Another more subtle language pattern is the ill use of “try.” “Try” merely conveys an attempt. Self-talk should convey commitment. A person does not get out of bed by trying to get out of bed or make a phone call by trying to call. You get out of bed and you make a call. This type of self-talk is the hallmark of success. As Henry Ford so aptly put it, “If you think you can, you can; if you think you can’t, you can’t. Either way you are right.”
Another approach is to teach young people to ask themselves proactive questions. “What would be the best way to act in this situation?” “How can I best respond to that?” “How can I prevent that urge from directing my behavior?” These types of questions empower people and assist in fostering individual as well as social responsibility.
It is no kindness to treat people as helpless, inadequate, or victims—regardless of what has happened to them. Kindness is having faith in people and treating them in a way that encourages and empowers them to handle their situations, stimulations, and urges.
Language helps shape behavior.
Give young children a cookie and say to them, “I will return in a few minutes and will give you something else if you haven’t eaten the cookie until I return. ” If you were to watch the young ones through an observation window, you would see some youngsters talking to themselves attempting to control their impulses. Those without language skills will be seen making all kinds of contortions and movements in attempts to control themselves.
Control is easier with appropriate language.
In his classic, futuristic novel, “1984, ” George Orwell makes the point that language shapes thinking. If there were no word for freedom, the concept would be difficult to communicate. Language not only assists communication, it helps shape it.
Saying, “I am angry” communicates a state of being. In contrast, as soon as we phrase the emotion as an action such as, “I am angering,” we immediately become aware of a choice. Changing the adjective to a verbal form empowers you to choose your response to an emotion.
Become more aware of the words you use because they have an effect on your behavior AND your feelings.
We know that we learn and do better when we feel good, not bad. However, rather than communicating in positive terms, we often communicate in negative terms by imposing consequences. Although consequences can be positive or negative, they are usually interpreted as punishments, which are negative and coercive.
A more effective approach than consequences is the use of contingencies. Rather than being reactive and negative, contingencies are proactive and positive. In addition, they keep responsibility with the person with whom we want to foster it.
Notice the difference between how the following two are perceived: “As soon as you finish your work, you can go.” (CONTINGENCY, stated in the POSITIVE) vs. “If your work is not done, you’re not going.” (This is the same message, but negatively stated)
Contingencies reduce stress, improve relationships, and are more effective than imposed consequences. Before imposing a consequence, simply ask yourself which person should be responsible for the action. If YOU impose it, it is your responsibility to follow up. If it is a contingency, the responsibility is placed on the other person—where you want it to be.
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