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Diffusing a Negative Reaction

January 10, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Very few people enjoy being challenged. When we hear an opinion different from our own, a natural tendency is to be defensive. The reason is that we interpret our position as being criticized or, at least, not being recognized.

A simple way to turn this situation into an advantage is to ask yourself, “What can I learn from this person’s opinion?” The attitude of inquisitiveness enhances learning and diminishes chances of any negative, reactive feelings.

In addition, asking the following question may give insight into the other person’s thinking: “How did you come to that conclusion?”

Learning the thinking and/or thought processes of the other person often clarifies—in addition to diffusing the urge of a negative reaction.

Filed Under: Effectiveness, Relationships Tagged With: , ,

Telling vs. Asking

January 5, 2011 By 3 Comments

No one likes to be TOLD what to do. Think of a time when someone told you what to do or told you that you had to do something. Notice how it conjures up a negative feeling.

I grew up with a friend who, when told what to do by a parent, would find an excuse NOT to do it. Even if it was something he wanted to do, such as going outside to play, he would find an excuse to stay indoors just because he was TOLD.

Depending upon the other person’s mental frame at the time, when we tell a person what to do—regardless of how admirable our intentions—the message is often PERCEIVED either as an attempt to control or as a criticism that what the person is doing is not good enough.

Young people are in the process of asserting their independence, and they perceive TELLING as an attempt to control them. In this regard, young people are like adults, who also dislike being controlled.

Besides, teenagers know everything! Mark Twain articulated this when he said, “When I was fourteen my father was so ignorant, I could scarcely stand to have him around; but when I turned twenty-one, I was amazed at how much he has learned in seven years.”

Rather than TELLING, consider phrasing your idea as a QUESTION or state it in a curious mode. For example, if you disapprove of what your youngster wants to do, ask, “What would be the long-term effect of doing that?”

In the situation with my friend, the parent could have had more success by asking, “What’s the weather like outside? I’m thinking of going out later.” After checking the weather, my friend most probably then would have asked to go outside and play—exactly what the parent desired.

Filed Under: Effectiveness, Parenting Tagged With: , , ,

Success and Making Progress

December 20, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Success isn’t always about winning. This is a very important point for parents to understand.

A woman having lunch at a small cafe was seated next to a family celebrating their son’s basketball game. Their conversation was so lively that the woman joined in. “You must have been on the winning team,” she said.

The kid grinned from ear to ear. “No, we lost by 20 points. The other team had a killer defense. We were only able to make one basket.”

Did YOU make the basket?” she asked.

With his mouth filled with cake and ice cream, the boy shook his head “no.” His father reached across the table to give him a high five. His mother hugged him and said, “You were awesome.” The woman at the next table rubbed her chin.

The boy looked at the confused woman and said, “At last week’s game I took nine shots but they all fell short of the basket. This week I took eight shots and three of them hit the rim. Dad says that I’m making progress.

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Looking for the Gold

November 23, 2010 By Leave a Comment

The following is one of my favorite stories in my parenting book in the chapter describing the practice of positivity.

Andrew Carnegie, the first great industrialist in America, at one point had 43 millionaires working for him. A reporter asked him how he hired all of those millionaires. His answer was that none of them were millionaires when he hired them.

The reporter inquired, “Then what did you do to develop them so they became millionaires?”

Carnegie responded that you develop people the same way you mine gold.

He said, “You go into a gold mine and you expect to remove tons of dirt to find an ounce of gold. But you don’t go into the mine looking for the dirt; you go in there looking for the gold.”

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Choice-Response Thinking

November 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

How do you develop expectations that will empower people when some people aren’t very nice or very likable?

The answer is to use choice-response thinking. Whatever the situation, stimulation, or urge, you can choose your response. Don’t allow someone else’s negative attitude to determine yours.

Be a Johnny Appleseed. When some seeds take hold, you will enjoy the taste of your planting.

More about choice-response thinking is described on pages 10-14 in the education book.

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Empowerment Brings Effectiveness for Parents and Teachers

November 15, 2010 By Leave a Comment

QUESTION:

I hope you can help me with my strong-willed daughter. She is very bright and got herself into some difficulties by not wanting to obey her first grade teacher.

RESPONSE:

Explain to the teacher that your daughter is extremely independent and that the teacher will have more success—and reduce stress on everyone’s part—if the teacher aims at EMPOWERING your daughter, instead of overpowering her in attempts to get her to obey.

Encourage the teacher to talk in positive terms and use a phrase such as, “I know you can do this because I have seen how capable you are.”

If you daughter is empowered, obedience will follow as a natural by-product.

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Viewing Problems As Challenges

November 9, 2010 By Leave a Comment

The late Norman Vincent Peale once said, “There is only one group of people who do not have problems, and they are all dead. Problems are a sign of life, so the more problems you have, the more alive you are.”

Although a tongue-in-cheek philosophy of life, there is some truth to this pronouncement. Some people have relationship problems, others financial, some career, others health, some social, others business. No one is immune to problems in life.

Problems are not positive or negative. In a sense they are neutral depending upon how you choose to see them and your responses to them. Epictetus made the point more than 2,000 years ago: “People are disturbed not by events but by their view of them.”

The key is to realize that problems are part of life. Winners in the life cycle accept adversities as catalysts to becoming better, stronger, wiser, and more aware of the realities of life.

If you take a positive approach and view problems as CHALLENGES, your inner chat changes—bringing you the opportunity to get a clearer vision of how to deal with them.

You will also feel in control—rather than feeling like a victim. And your effectiveness will increase as you do.

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The 15-Minute Rule

November 8, 2010 By 1 Comment

She was a vibrant picture of health and an inspiring speaker. The audience was stunned to see a slide of her when she was morbidly obese. She had lost 125 pounds and spoke about how diet and exercise saved her life.

The question was asked what she did when she wanted to go off her diet and when she didn’t feel like exercising.

She described her 15-Minute Rule. She explained that when she had a craving for something that she knew she shouldn’t eat, she told herself, “I CAN eat that, but I will wait 15 minutes.”

Invariably something happened in those 15 minutes that got her mind off food. She would make a phone call, check her e-mail, write a note, or get involved in some activity. Sometimes, without getting involved in another activity, the craving went away on its own.

Whenever she didn’t want to work out, she conducted a little negotiation with herself. She told herself that she would work out for 15 minutes and then renegotiate. Ten percent of the time, she walked out of the gym after the 15 minutes. Ninety per cent of the time, however, the 15 minutes of activity broke down her resistance and she continued her full work-out session.

So, for more responsible behavior, the next time you have a craving or are not doing something you know you should, try the 15-Minute Rule.

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Refelction, the Key to Influence and Successful Parenting

November 2, 2010 By Leave a Comment

A key strategy to parenting and influencing others is to be a good listener.

But there is a paradox to this skill because in order to have influence with another, the influencer has to be open to being influenced. Simply stated, the more a person is open to others, the greater is the ability to influence. This may seem a paradox, but if you understand this paradox, you can be more effective in influencing others.

Here is the point: Listening can also refer to oneself. Warren Buffett, the ace stock picker and empire builder, gives credit to his partner, Charlie Munger, for the Orangutan Theory:

“If a smart person goes into a room with an orangutan and explains whatever his or her idea is, the orangutan just sits there eating his banana, and at the end of the conversation, the person explaining comes out smarter.”

What happened? Reflection—the third principle to practice. Your chances of influencing others are greater if you, yourself, are willing to be influenced. The reason is that clarification is the most successful way to influence. And a willingness to listen demonstrates interest in the person you are attempting to influence.

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Living a Balanced Life

October 26, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Perhaps one of the biggest challenges most of us face is knowing how to live a balanced life within a 24-hour day. To do so requires some discipline.

Between our employment, learning to improve our skills, inundation from the media, the attraction of the Internet including e-mail and blogs, so many good books to read, wanting to get enough sleep, maintaining social relationships, and the list goes on and on, balancing life is a challenge. How do we do it? It is no wonder that seminars on time management, books on simplification, and even garage and even closet organizers for all the “stuff” we accumulate are selling so well.

One way to become more effective is to evaluate how we use our time. You may have additional items to add to the following list: (1) Prioritizing, (2) Time for oneself, (3) Waiting in line, (4) Shopping, (5) Using a calendar, (6) Being aware of procedures—or the lack of them.

Following are some tips that may assist in increasing your effectiveness:

(1) Begin each day with a list. Prioritize it. The beauty of priorities is that you get to select what’s important and when you want to work on them.

(2) Set your alarm clock thirty minutes earlier than usual. Do the math and see how much extra time it gives you. How you use the extra time is your decision.

(3.) Wait productively. No one likes to wait; yet everyone must at times. Rather than being surprised by it, plan for it. Always have a magazine, book, or a note pad with you. When waiting on the phone, have some key thoughts written down to review.

(4.) Evaluate your possessions at least once a year. Some of the items in your file cabinet, desk drawers, or computer hard drive may not have been looked at for years. The often heard, “less is more” is applicable here. The less you possess, the freer you are.

(5) Make your calendar essential in your planning. Protect your personal time by reserving it on your calendar. Identify what’s important to you and put it on your calendar. Your family belongs on your calendar. Your vacations, exercise, reading, and hobbies belong there, too. Your calendar will keep you headed in the right direction and minimize distractions and temptations.

(6) Most of what you do involves a procedure. You have one when you first get up in the morning and, if you will notice, you use procedures and routines throughout your day. The adage applies here: “First we make our habits, and then our habits make us.” You may be engaging in some of your daily routines by force of habit. Just for one day, be conscious of every thing you do. You may find that one of your procedures is counterproductive. For example, if you are a writer, checking your e-mail first thing in the morning may deprive you of a higher priority. If the morning is your most productive time, change your routine. Block out one hour for writing first; then as a break, check your e-mail.

You will find yourself feeling much more in control and more productive if you are aware of your habits.It may help to remember that being busy is not synonymous with being successful.

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