Dr. Marvin Marshall on Education and Parenting

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Contingencies, Positivity, Choice, and Reflection

November 1, 2011 By

The following is from an e-mail I received:

“I am reading the book right now and have already tried some things on my 3-and-a-half-year-old daughter.

“I’ve always used choices with her. It makes life simpler with little ones. But I have not always used contingencies. Saying, “If you clean up, you can go to the park” sounds so much better and works much faster than saying, “If you don’t clean up, then you can’t go to park.”

“It is so much easier for youngsters to take responsibility when you communicate in terms that are positive and prompt them to reflect on the choices they make.”

———-

Notice—as mentioned—that in addition to communicating in positive terms and prompting reflection, the underlying principle of choice is also involved.

All three principles are outlined in the teaching and parenting model.

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Parenting and Learning

March 8, 2011 By

Parents who have an interest in fostering effective learning have a responsibility to their children to nourish them with foods rich in nutrients. Feeding excessive sugar to young children at breakfast is a sure way to increase overactivity and reduce concentration for learning.

Another consideration pertains to food sensitivities and allergies. The Feingold diet should be investigated for children with tendencies towards AD/HD.

Parents can also promote exercise. Physical (and especially aerobic) exercise not only reduces stress it also contributes to a good night’s sleep—which, in turn, assists in increasing attention span.

Controversy will continue regarding whether AD/HD is attributed to modern lifestyles or has always been with selected humans but only has become apparent when literacy sit-down learning was imposed.

Either way, parents have a responsibility to investigate all available possibilities before labeling a child or subscribing to pharmaceuticals. Drugs may assist in controlling symptoms but do not alter the neural connections necessary to modify distractability, impulsiveness, or hyperactivity.

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A Key Thought from the Education and Parenting Books

January 11, 2011 By

Life is a conversation. Interestingly, the most influential person we talk with all day is ourself, and what we tell ourself has a direct bearing on our behavior, our performance, and our influence on others. In fact a good case can be made that our self-talk creates our reality.

Both the parenting book and the education book show how to engage in self-talk so that stress is reduced, effectiveness is increased, and relationships are improved. The education book is primarily for classroom teachers. Anyone working with other people—regardless of age—can benefit from the parenting book.

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Telling vs. Asking

January 5, 2011 By

No one likes to be TOLD what to do. Think of a time when someone told you what to do or told you that you had to do something. Notice how it conjures up a negative feeling.

I grew up with a friend who, when told what to do by a parent, would find an excuse NOT to do it. Even if it was something he wanted to do, such as going outside to play, he would find an excuse to stay indoors just because he was TOLD.

Depending upon the other person’s mental frame at the time, when we tell a person what to do—regardless of how admirable our intentions—the message is often PERCEIVED either as an attempt to control or as a criticism that what the person is doing is not good enough.

Young people are in the process of asserting their independence, and they perceive TELLING as an attempt to control them. In this regard, young people are like adults, who also dislike being controlled.

Besides, teenagers know everything! Mark Twain articulated this when he said, “When I was fourteen my father was so ignorant, I could scarcely stand to have him around; but when I turned twenty-one, I was amazed at how much he has learned in seven years.”

Rather than TELLING, consider phrasing your idea as a QUESTION or state it in a curious mode. For example, if you disapprove of what your youngster wants to do, ask, “What would be the long-term effect of doing that?”

In the situation with my friend, the parent could have had more success by asking, “What’s the weather like outside? I’m thinking of going out later.” After checking the weather, my friend most probably then would have asked to go outside and play—exactly what the parent desired.

Filed Under: Effectiveness, Parenting Tagged With: , , ,

A Key to Effective Parenting

December 31, 2010 By

A magazine headlined the following: “DO KIDS HAVE TOO MUCH POWER? Yes, say many parents.”

Major points of the article include overindulgence and the coddling of children in an attempt to insulate them from any discomfort.

The article noted that it is a little ironic that the success and new found prosperity—the very accomplishments and good fortune that parents so desperately desire to share—actually put children at risk.

Indulged children are often less able to cope with stress because  parents have created an atmosphere where their whims are indulged. Such children grow up  assuming that they’re entitled and that life should be a bed of roses.

Young people manipulate parents by their constant asking —and thereby controlling the situation. Parents try to meet the desires of their children by continually responding—and thereby often becoming stressed themselves.

Here is the principle to remember: THE PERSON WHO ASKS THE QUESTION CONTROLS THE SITUATION.

You know this from your own conversations. When the person with whom you are speaking asks a question, the conversation is directed toward answering it. THE QUESTION DIRECTS THE CONVERSATION.

Become aware that this is the first step in taking control. Rather than the child doing the asking and the parent  answering, the PARENT should be asking. Using this questioning approach, a young person is prompted to think, reflect, and make more responsible choices.

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How to Handle Resistance with a Youngster

October 28, 2010 By

PARENTING QUESTION:

When I tried to have my 6-year old leave a public swimming pool, she resisted to the point of almost making a scene. Not wanting to create a disturbance, as embarrassed as I was I resorted to having the lifeguard assist in my endeavors. I immediately thought of you and wondered how you would have handled this discipline situation. Any suggestions?

RESPONSE:

Children mature when they begin to realize that other people’s interests are also involved in their decisions. Having a youngster become aware of this is one of the most important charges a parent has.

If I were in that situation, I would ask my daughter, “Do you want to go swimming in the future?” This question would prompt her to reflect and make a choice for her long-term best interests.

Another approach could be—since it was past her time to leave the pool—saying to her, “The clock is running.” Explain that the phrase means she is now using up your time and will be accountable for it later.

Don’t tell her what that means. The next day let her know that she used 10 minutes of your time at the pool the day before and now it’s her turn to wait on you. Give her two choices of assignments—preferably distasteful ones. The key to remember is that SHE does the choosing. Or have her suggest an activity that will assist her to not repeat the behavior. Either way, having her choose is the prime difference between elicitation and imposition. Something elicited is owned by the person. Something imposed promotes victimhood thinking because it generates a feeling of lack of control. This feeling often results in blaming the person who imposed the punishment.

Finally, here is very simple technique to keep in mind—one we have experienced but may not have consciously thought about: THE PERSON WHO ASKS THE QUESTION CONTROLS THE CONVERSATION. When she asks you a question, and you enter into a discussion based on her question, she is controlling the conversation. Pull out of this by answering with your own question.

More information about how to handle situations like this one is explained in the parenting book.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Parenting and Schoolwork

October 23, 2010 By

QUESTION:

My son’s attitude about school is that he only wants to get by with the minimum. He’ll do his homework, and then doesn’t bother to hand it in. His teachers say he’s intelligent, but he’s failing three classes. Last year he had the same problem, failing two classes.

RESPONSE:

From other statements you have related to me, you are trying to control him. His not doing what you tell him to do gives HIM control. It is his way of exercising power. He won’t change if you keep telling him what to do—if you keep evaluating and advising him.

William Glasser, M.D., in his  book, “UNHAPPY TEENAGERS – A Way for Parents and Teachers to Reach Them” shares a dialog: “What do most people do when you try to control them?”

“They resist.”

“What happens to the relationship between them and the people they are trying to control?”

“It harms it. It’s like a contest. Teenagers do it with parents all the time.” (pp. 106-107)

Your son is doing his homework to get away from coercive nagging. Since the homework is not in his “quality world,” he forgets to bring it to school. Develop a procedure, such as placing a clipboard by the door. He completes a checklist of what he needs for school and places it on the clipboard. No more nagging or reminding—except to ask  him to check the clipboard.

His intelligence may have nothing to do with the “verbal-linguistic” and “logical-mathematical” abilities that most schools rely on for grades. Schools generally test for information and knowledge. They rarely assess comprehension (meanings), application (using what has been learned), analysis (breaking down material so that organizational structure is understood), synthesis (putting parts together—creativeness), or evaluation (judgment).

Assuming that you have checked his hearing and vision and they are normal, encourage him to become aware of inattentiveness in his classes. Have him keep a record for each class by dating a paper and making a mark each time his attention wanders during class time. Keeping a record will help him become aware and focus better. The more attention he pays and the more he participates in his lessons, the more motivated he will become.

Jim Cathcart’s book entitled, “The Acorn Principle,” argues that an acorn is capable of becoming a mighty oak, but it will never become a giant redwood—no matter how much you push it. Jim’s point is to discover your child’s nature and then nurture that nature.

Observe what your son enjoys or believes he is good at. Nurture that interest. Your relations with him will dramatically improve. Also, the most effective way to have discussions with a young lad is for both of you to engage in some physical activity—walking, hiking, play catch, etc. Increase your listening and decrease your telling him what YOU want.

Once he FEELS and BELIEVES that you are more interested in HIM AS A PERSON, instead of his good grades or success in school, you will be amazed at how much academic success he will achieve.

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Undoing the Past

October 22, 2010 By

Do you know anyone who can undo the past?

When people do something wrong and you tell them that they made a mistake (and then proceed to tell what should have been done), the person will resent it—even if you are right.

The reasons are simple. You come across as a grouch, and the other person suffers a loss of  dignity. People can’t do anything about a mistake that has already been made. They no longer have control over a situation in the past—and no one enjoys not being in control.

Telling people what should have been done has no constructive value; the past can’t be undone. But people can  LEARN from the past. When others make mistakes, share suggestions with them about what they could do next time—how they might handle a similar situation more effectively in the future.

Of course, you can ask questions that would lead them to finding ways to resolving the current situation .

By being a coach instead of a critic and a teacher instead of a scolder,  you will increase your effectiveness while improving your relationships. This is especially important for parents  and teachers when working with young people, as outlined in Part II of the teaching model.

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Hobson’s Choice

October 16, 2010 By

A man drove on a long and lonely unpaved road in Arizona on his way to watch Hopi Indian ceremonial dances. Afterwards, he returned to his car only to find that it had a flat tire. He replaced it with the spare and drove to the only service station on the Hopi reservation.

As he stepped out of his car, he heard the hissing of another tire going flat.

“Do you fix flats?” he inquired of the attendant.

“Yes,” came the answer.

“How much do you charge?” he asked.

With a twinkle in his eye, the man replied, “What difference does it make?”

This is what is called a “Hobson’s Choice,” named after Thomas Hobson (1544-1631) of Cambridge, England. Hobson kept a livery stable and required every customer to take either the horse nearest the stable door or none at all.

In essence, a Hobson’s choice is a situation that forces a person to accept whatever is offered—or do without. The most famous of Hobson’s choices was made in 1914 when Henry Ford offered the very popular Model T–making it available in any color so long as it was black.

Most of the time we really do have a choice–even when we say we don’t. We may think we have to do such and such. When we realize that MOST of what we do is by choice, then we become more responsible.

Here is an experiment. For the next 48 hours, eliminate the words, “I have to” and substitute the words, “I choose to.” Instead of saying, “I have to get out of bed,” make your self-talk, “I choose to get out of bed.”

There is very little in life we HAVE to do. The way you spend your time is your choice. You set the priorities. You are responsible. You have control. Try the experiment for two days. Obviously, it’s your choice. If you do this little exercise, almost immediately you will feel less helpless and more in charge of your life.

Being aware that options are always available not only puts us in control but makes our life happier and more fulfilling. We become more responsible when we recognize that very rarely are our choices limited to a Hobson’s choice. As the sage stated, “Destiny is as much a matter of choice as one of chance.”

More about choice and choice-response thinking is described in the parenting book.
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Testimonial and Book Editor Recommendation-Kathy Miller

October 12, 2010 By

Kathy Collard Miller introduced me to Brookes Nohlgren who edited both my education book and my parenting book. Kathy wrote the following to me after hearing me present.

“I can’t wait to recommend Marvin Marshall’s book at my parenting classes and seminars. He gives practical knowledge that inspires us to think in new effective ways. I’m already using his principles in my personal relationships.”

 

Kathy Collard Miller, Professional Speaker and Seminar Leader and

Author of WHEN COUNTING TO TEN ISN’T ENOUGH

Filed Under: Discipline, Parenting Tagged With: ,
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