A communication to me indicated that it would be difficult to have a substitute fully understand the system if the teacher hadn’t actually read the book.

I responded that a substitute teacher did not need to know the system at all. Also, I use the term “guest teacher” because of the influence it has on students. When I was an elementary school principal, as soon as the day started I was in the “substitute teacher’s” classroom and introduced the substitute by announcing that we had a guest teacher that day and that I knew the students would treat the teacher accordingly. Expectations for responsible student behavior were established immediately.

As a teacher, I had the following one-page at the top of my substitute teacher handbook:

GUEST TEACHER INFORMATION

Read to Each Class at the START of the Period:

This class understands levels of development. It is the basis of discipline in this classroom. A guest teacher need not be versed in the system to use it.

It is the responsibility of the class members to maintain their own discipline. Students know that they choose their own level of development.

If students behave and do the given assignment, they are on Level C or Level D and should not present a problem.

Level B students are the ones who defy your authority, act inappropriately, or are not good hosts to the guest in the classroom today. My students know that they alone choose their level of development and that they will accept the responsibility for their choice. I need a list of Level B students so they can carry out the assignment that goes along with their choice.

Please leave me a list of students who choose to act on Level B.

———

Upon my return, I had an individual conversation with each student on the list and ELICITED a CONSEQUENCE to help the student remember and would also ELICIT a PROCEDURE to redirect future impulsive behaviors.

In a recent conversation I had with a father, he told me that when his  sons were young he had attended a parenting seminar. He then related to me how using “natural” and “logical” consequences really helped him. He explained to me that the older son bullied the younger son. The father finally put the older son on the floor and with his foot upon his chest asked him how he felt when someone picked on him. The father said he never again had a problem with the older son picking on the younger son.

Regardless of what you label this approach, it is coercive and not the most effective one. The son stopped picking on his younger brother—not because it was the right thing to do—but because of fear of the parent.

When adults impose “logical” and/or “natural” consequences, authority is used as a form of punishment. It matters not if the adult’s intention is to teach a lesson. Imposed punishments increase the likelihood that the young person will feel punished by the adult. Anything that is done to another person prompts negative feelings.

In addition, when authority is used to impose, it deprives the young person of an opportunity to become more responsible. Working with a young person, rather than doing things to a person, is so much more effective. This approach avoids the problems typically associated with imposing something because (a) people do not feel like victims when they design their own consequence and (b) they are guided to focus on learning from the experience. By eliciting, rather
than by imposing, the person owns the consequence. People do not argue with their own decisions.

By imposing a logical or natural consequence, the responsibility for thinking about the nature of the consequence falls to the adult, rather than upon the young person. The young person (as opposed to the adult) should be the one required to do the thinking.

Here is an example in a school setting to help explain  the difference between something imposed and something elicited. A young student has scribbled on a wall or an older student has vandalized a wall with graffiti.

In a school where consequences are imposed, the adult would think about the situation and arrive at a consequence that seems fair and meaningfully related to the misbehavior. In this situation, the adult would decide that as an appropriate consequence the student should be required to clean up the mess on the wall. The adult would impose the consequence, thereby making it feel like punishment.

However, in a school using a collaborative approach of working with the student, the situation would be handled differently. The adult would expect the student to do the thinking, thus inducing  the student to take responsibility. Instead of imposing a consequence on the student, the adult would elicit an appropriate consequence from the student.

The student would be asked, “What do you think should happen now that you’ve marked on the wall making the school less attractive to everyone else?”

Because the student would be induced to think, you can imagine the student might say something like, “I should clean the wall.” The adult would agree that this would be a suitable consequence. Interestingly, in either case, the consequence is exactly the same; the person who committed the act cleans the wall.

You may ask, “What’s the big deal? If in both scenarios the situation ends up so that the young person cleans up the mess made on the wall, what does it matter who thought of the idea?” This is the critical difference. Learning, growth, and long-term change come as a result of reflecting about one’s actions and about the outcomes that may result from them. By being prompted to think about and determine the consequence, the student not only takes ownership and responsibility but also is more likely to make more responsible choices in the future.

In summary, the most effective way to promote responsibility—be it regarding inappropriate behavior, reducing apathy toward learning, or even with home assignments—is to elicit a consequence or a procedure to promote responsible behavior—rather than impose a “logical” or “natural” consequence.

I was asked the following question:

I work with parents in helping their children to keep their agreements. At school, I help the children to understand that if they say they will do something, it is their responsibility to keep their end of the bargain. If they do not, I tell them that I am disappointed in them and that I expect that they will keep their word when they give their word. Parents, however, do not go along with this. They look for punishments and consequences when promises (agreements) are not kept.

My response:

The way for a youngster to take ownership is to work with him/her by DEVELOPING A PROCEDURE. After the agreement (plan) is made, set up a procedure to implement the plan. Start by asking, “What will you do to carry out your plan?” When the YOUNGSTER explains in detail, a mindset is being established—not only for a commitment to do it but also a visioning process of HOW to do it. Remember that the youngster may have good intentions to implement the plan and may even want to do it but needs specifics to assist in the plan’s implementation—hence the need to establish procedures.

Also, instead of sending a negative message indicating that you are disappointed, send a positive one. KEEP THESE TWO QUESTIONS HANDY: “What would an extraordinary person do? If you were that person what would you do?”

The practice to follow is to ask effective questions, one where the person is prompted to REFLECT. Such questions evoke acknowledgment and  ownership—two critical components of taking responsibility.

David McMillian hosts an hour-long weekly radio program entitled, “Strategies for Living.” When he interviewed me for his program, he mentioned Viktor Frankl. Dr. Frankl was a professor of both neurology and psychology at the University of Vienna and a prolific writer. Perhaps his most famous book, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” describes what he learned in surviving three Nazi death camps. This short book has a profound positive effect on anyone who reads it.

McMillian commented that Dr. Frankl suggested that what America needed was a “Statue of Responsibility” on the West Coast to balance the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast.

Society’s emphasis on rights has not been balanced with an equal emphasis on responsibility. Many parents, having a desire for their children’s happiness, believe that doing things for their children is a natural way to help accomplish this goal.

It should be noted, however, that people grow by effort. This does not mean to imply that young people should not receive help or assistance, but it should serve as a reminder that responsibility takes effort. In a very real sense, responsibility cannot be given; it can only be taken.

In short, what we sow (effort and responsibility) so shall we reap. In promoting responsibility, consider the age-old maxim: Do not do those things for young people that they can do for themselves.

Parents and teachers have a responsibility to promote appropriate behavior. Promoting responsibility is more than a one time occurrence.

A rich woman walked up to the golf pro at an expensive resort and said, “I’d like for you to teach my friend here how to play golf.”

“Fine,” said the pro, “but how about you?”

“Oh, I learned yesterday!” she replied.

I share this rather humorous story to illustrate that learning to promote responsibility is something like learning to play golf. You can’t master it all in one day. But I can tell you that, like golf, prompting people to act responsibly by asking reflective questions is a skill you can learn. As with any skill, the more you practice it, the more efficient you become.

The old story told of a banker who often dropped a coin in a beggar’s cup bears repeating.

Unlike most people, the banker would insist on getting one of the pencils the beggar had with him. The banker would say, “You are a merchant, and I always expect to receive good value from the merchants with whom I do business.”

That daily routine went on for some time, but one day the poor street beggar was gone. Time passed, and the banker forgot about him.

Years later the banker walked by a little store, and there was the former beggar, now a shopkeeper. The shopkeeper said, “I always hoped you might come by some day. You are largely responsible for my being here. You kept telling me I was a merchant. I started to think of myself that way—instead of as a beggar looking for handouts. I started selling pencils, lots of them. And today I’ve got a little business. You showed me self-respect. You influenced me to look at myself differently.”

Can people change? Of course they can. But the change is often preceded by your expectations for them.

Many people are searching for acceptance outside of themselves when they haven’t yet learned to accept themselves. Self- acceptance means being O.K. with WHO you are and WHERE you are. It means being kind to yourself even when you make mistakes, fail, or do really stupid things. It requires developing some self-discipline and should be a parenting priority.

Self-acceptance is a close relative to self-esteem. It is difficult to have one without the other, and, if you have one, you will tend to have the other.

There may be many reasons why people have low self-acceptance but most fall into one or more of the following areas: a perceived desire to be perfect, a focus on imperfections rather than on blessings, the desire for approval and to be liked, a strong desire to please others, an extraordinary concern for other people’s opinions and views , feeling inadequate due to some perceived lack of ability or skill, and/or emotional immaturity.

To accept yourself fully is to recognize that not everyone you meet will like you and that you will never be perfect—excellent perhaps but not perfect. We are never finished making mistakes or doing foolish things. Falling is natural; not getting up is the problem. A happy and contented life is not about what happens or why, but rather about how you deal with situations.

The key to gaining self-acceptance is to recognize that you are engaged in a process of continual learning.

Former U.S. Senate Minority Leader Everett Dirksen once said, “I am a man of principle, and my first principle is a willingness to change my mind.” If your self-talk has not been one of fully accepting yourself, you have the option of changing the conversation.

It is your most important responsibility.

QUESTION:

I am a recipient of your “Promoting Responsibility” newsletter, and I would like to pose a question.

I believe in responsibility; however, my problem is feeling OVER-RESPONSIBLE for many things which shouldn’t be my responsibility. However, fearing that I may be looking for excuses not to do something, I take the blame for things that aren’t really my fault or shoulder tasks that I shouldn’t be doing.

Where is the path and method of knowing the difference of knowing when it is my duty and when I should impose the responsibility or blame on others?

My other problem is related to that of being responsible, I have become independent, not trying to look to others to blame or solve my problems for me. But it’s come to a point where I realize that I do need to ask people for help; I do need to ask people for assistance. This is the next level of maturity that Stephen Covey writes about from dependency to independence to interdependency. How should my thinking change?

Any assistance or thoughts would be appreciated.

RESPONSE

Congratulations! You have a handle on and understand Stephen Covey’s (7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE) paradigm—not to be confused with a “paradigm shift,” which he also uses. (By the way, the first testimonial in my book is by Dr. Covey.)

My mantra is, “Don’t do things for other people (regardless of age) that they can do for themselves.” When you do, you are depriving them of an experience which can assist in their growth and development.

The path and method are both in the question you ask yourself, namely, “IN THE LONG RUN, will my doing the task help the other person become more responsible? A responsible person has greater self-esteem, is more satisfied, and is happier.

If, on the other hand, you are sought out because you are very responsible, then you should make a responsible decision concerning yourself. “Know thyself” includes setting limits to what you accept.

RE: Needlessly taking blame. Ask yourself, “What can I learn and do differently next time?” Forget blame. Look for growth and learning. This approach is so much more valuable.

Getting back to Covey’s “interdependence,” Sure I can do the plumbing, the gardening, and the painting myself,  but I choose to spend my time in the areas that are most important to me.”

I have no problem asking others for help. Neither should you.

One of the beauties of being human is the opportunity for growth—our own and others.

Avoid the victimization mentality for yourself—and for others.  Victim type thinking is toxic and disempowering. Empowerment is so much more effective. And even if it were not, you would still be happier in an empowerment mode than in a victimhood mode.

Believing that learning is prohibited because students come from unstructured homes, from poverty, or have some other situation that cannot be changed is a mindset of victimhood thinking. Certainly, some home situations diminish optimum learning, but they do not prevent learning.

Regardless of the situation, people can be taught that they can be masters of their fate, that they can be victors rather than victims. Students can be taught that they have the power to choose to learn or not to learn. The choice is theirs.

I saw a teacher teach this powerful lesson to first graders when she taught students to ask themselves, “What can I do in this situation?” The question empowers students with the understanding that choices are always available.

You have a responsibility to yourself to think and participate in those activities that bring you a fulfilled life, one that brings you happiness.

Robert Louis Stevenson, the Scottish-American writer wrote, “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.”

Here are a few thoughts that may assist in this most important endeavor.

What is important is how FREQUENTLY, not how intensely, you are happy. The thrills of winning in Las Vegas, an intense joy of a personal encounter, or having a peak of ecstasy are wonderful moments. But happiness comes from being content most of the time. This occurs when you have thoughts and feelings of well being, an inner sense of balance and purpose.

Good news such as getting a promotion or winning a lottery prompts happiness for a while. Then we adapt. Bad news such as ending a relationship or losing a job brings sadness for awhile. Then we adapt. Adaptation explains why people can be happy after physically disabling accidents and tragedies.

Adaptation starts with an aim to be happy. This sounds obvious, but often we don’t make happiness a priority. Here is a simple procedure. Write the words, “I intend to be happy today,” on a piece of paper and stick it on the bathroom mirror. When you look at it in the morning, stop and reflect. Ask yourself, “What can I be happy about today?” This reflective question and your response will direct your self-talk throughout the day.

Posting the note and taking time to reflect will remind you to be grateful during your day for that which contributes to happiness—be it joking with a co-worker, stopping to gaze and smell the splendor of a flower, drinking your favorite cup of coffee, or spending a special moment with someone.

Happiness hides in life’s small details. If you’re not looking, you will not see them.

As a youth growing up in Hollywood, California, I would hear Al Jarvis, a disk jockey on radio station KFWB, often say, “It’s the little things in life that mean the most to all of us.” I was lucky. I listened and learned this wisdom at a young age. And I am grateful for it.