Dr. Marvin Marshall on Education and Parenting

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Contingencies, Positivity, Choice, and Reflection

The following is from an e-mail I received:

“I am reading the book right now and have already tried some things on my 3-and-a-half-year-old daughter.

“I’ve always used choices with her. It makes life simpler with little ones. But I have not always used contingencies. Saying, “If you clean up, you can go to the park” sounds so much better and works much faster than saying, “If you don’t clean up, then you can’t go to park.”

“It is so much easier for youngsters to take responsibility when you communicate in terms that are positive and prompt them to reflect on the choices they make.”

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Notice—as mentioned—that in addition to communicating in positive terms and prompting reflection, the underlying principle of choice is also involved.

All three principles are outlined in the teaching and parenting model.

Changing Our Direction

There is an old story about the U.S.S. Enterprise that was traveling along the Eastern seaboard. It saw a light in front and thought that the ship was going to collide with the other ship. So the Enterprise sent a signal for the other ship to travel in a different direction. “We are the U.S.S. Enterprise and you are on our course. Please go south.”

A message came back, “ We cannot move.”

A second message was sent. “We are the U.S.S. Enterprise. If you don not move, we will collide.”

Another message came back. “Sorry, we will and cannot move.”

A last message was sent. “We are the mighty U.S.S. Enterprise. If you do not change course, we will destroy you—guaranteed.”

The message came back: “ We are the lighthouse. Your choice.”

Too often, we want others to change when it is up to us to change our course.

Choice-Response Thinking

How do you develop expectations that will empower people when some people aren’t very nice or very likable?

The answer is to use choice-response thinking. Whatever the situation, stimulation, or urge, you can choose your response. Don’t allow someone else’s negative attitude to determine yours.

Be a Johnny Appleseed. When some seeds take hold, you will enjoy the taste of your planting.

More about choice-response thinking is described on pages 10-14 in the education book.