Dr. Marvin Marshall on Education and Parenting

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Contingencies, Positivity, Choice, and Reflection

November 1, 2011 By

The following is from an e-mail I received:

“I am reading the book right now and have already tried some things on my 3-and-a-half-year-old daughter.

“I’ve always used choices with her. It makes life simpler with little ones. But I have not always used contingencies. Saying, “If you clean up, you can go to the park” sounds so much better and works much faster than saying, “If you don’t clean up, then you can’t go to park.”

“It is so much easier for youngsters to take responsibility when you communicate in terms that are positive and prompt them to reflect on the choices they make.”

———-

Notice—as mentioned—that in addition to communicating in positive terms and prompting reflection, the underlying principle of choice is also involved.

All three principles are outlined in the teaching and parenting model.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: , , , , ,

Dealing with Risks

August 4, 2011 By

If there is one area in our lives that many people struggle with, it is that of taking a risk. The reason is that risk creates fear, and fear prompts inaction.

Here is a simple and practical system to deal with risks.

Look at any situation where a decision needs to be made. It makes no difference what the decision is—be it taking a vacation, purchasing something, or taking some action.

Ask yourself three questions:

1. As a result of taking this action, what is the BEST thing that can happen?

Then flip the coin:
2. As a result of taking this action, what is the WORST thing that can happen?

Then use some moderation by asking,
3. What is the most likely thing that will happen?

In the great majority of cases, the worst scenario doesn’t happen. Since the best also may not happen, consider somewhere down the middle.

Then reflect: If the most likely outcome can get you closer to what you want–and if you are willing to deal with the worst thing for a chance of getting the best thing– go for it.

However,  if you cannot deal with the worst possible scenario, then it doesn’t matter about the best possible scenario. Close the issue and move on.

Filed Under: Effectiveness Tagged With: , ,

Likability and Effectiveness

May 5, 2011 By

Likability is the shortest path to believability,  trust, and effectiveness.

It is also the easiest path to influence others.

It may be worthwhile to reflect on this one quality above others—the quality that prompts people to do what you would like them to do.

Three practices are most productive in this regard. They are (1) communicating in POSITIVE, rather than in negative, terms; (2) showing OPTIONS that are available; and (3) REFLECTING on how to overcome objections.

Filed Under: Effectiveness Tagged With: , , , ,

Eliciting Consequences and Attachment

March 10, 2011 By

A  interesting conversation revolved around  ideas and strategies about how to most effectively influence others to change their behaviors.

This discussion led to the concept about how eliciting a consequence is more effective than imposing one. As Dodie and I were conversing, she related the following incident about her son, Paul, when he was six years old:

He and two other kindergarten boys got into a tussle on the playground, and they were also  disobedient. Paul knew that if I ever got a call from school about his behavior, it would be met with disapproval.

When I went to pick him up, he said right away, “What’s my punishment going to be?”

I said to him that he knew what he had done wrong, that his behavior was inappropriate, and that he had to decide for himself what his punishment would be. He thought about it for awhile and decided that six days of being “grounded” should be his punishment—no electronic games, no friends over, no extra activities, no dinner out.

This happened on a Monday, and he told me that he picked six days because if he was good for those days, he would be un-grounded by Sunday and would still have one day to play on the weekend. It was a long six days for him, but he made it and actually had a friend over to play on Sunday.

When I went to pick him up on Monday from school, he was very excited. As he left the building, he yelled out to one of his friends and a teacher’s aide, “It’s good not to be grounded!”

Perhaps you should know that Paul started putting himself in time-outs when he was 3! Probably because that’s what I did with myself. If I became frustrated or mad or impatient with him, I would excuse myself. I would say, “Paul, I’m going to go sit on the porch and take a break. I’ll come back and talk with you when I’m calm.” He usually came to look for me to apologize for his behavior or to see if I was alright.

Filed Under: Effectiveness Tagged With: , , ,

Impulse Control and Reflective Questions

November 26, 2010 By

QUESTION:

I’d appreciate your advice on handling a few children who persist in behaving at Level B, even after I have “checked for understanding” and have proceeded with “guided choices.”

Today I told one of my students who hit another child, “I want you to stay in our classroom, but if you act on Level B again, you are telling me that you want to keep on making your own rules for the class.”

RESPONSE:

Next time, ASK the student if he would like to stay in the classroom. Then ASK him on what level he would need to behave to remain in the class.

Follow this up by ASKING him what he will do when he gets the same impulse again. Elicit—and you can help him develop—a PROCEDURE he can follow when the same impulse occurs again. The procedure needs to be simple. He can stand and sit, rub his ear, frown and smile, or tap his toe five times—anything he can remember to do.

Role play with him by having him practice the procedure with you. Ask him to periodically think about and practice the procedure again so that when the impulse arises he will be in control, rather than being a victim of his impulses.

If he has difficulty, keep on asking him if he want to continue to be a victim.

————–

Notice how reflective questions work. They empower by implying the person is capable, they are noncoercive—so the person is not defensive, and they encourage better choice-making.

Establishing, practicing, and reinforcing  a procedure for redirecting impulsivity also assists. See impulse management for additional information.

Filed Under: Discipline Tagged With: , , , ,

Refelction, the Key to Influence and Successful Parenting

November 2, 2010 By

A key strategy to parenting and influencing others is to be a good listener.

But there is a paradox to this skill because in order to have influence with another, the influencer has to be open to being influenced. Simply stated, the more a person is open to others, the greater is the ability to influence. This may seem a paradox, but if you understand this paradox, you can be more effective in influencing others.

Here is the point: Listening can also refer to oneself. Warren Buffett, the ace stock picker and empire builder, gives credit to his partner, Charlie Munger, for the Orangutan Theory:

“If a smart person goes into a room with an orangutan and explains whatever his or her idea is, the orangutan just sits there eating his banana, and at the end of the conversation, the person explaining comes out smarter.”

What happened? Reflection—the third principle to practice. Your chances of influencing others are greater if you, yourself, are willing to be influenced. The reason is that clarification is the most successful way to influence. And a willingness to listen demonstrates interest in the person you are attempting to influence.

Filed Under: Effectiveness Tagged With: , , ,

How to Handle Resistance with a Youngster

October 28, 2010 By

PARENTING QUESTION:

When I tried to have my 6-year old leave a public swimming pool, she resisted to the point of almost making a scene. Not wanting to create a disturbance, as embarrassed as I was I resorted to having the lifeguard assist in my endeavors. I immediately thought of you and wondered how you would have handled this discipline situation. Any suggestions?

RESPONSE:

Children mature when they begin to realize that other people’s interests are also involved in their decisions. Having a youngster become aware of this is one of the most important charges a parent has.

If I were in that situation, I would ask my daughter, “Do you want to go swimming in the future?” This question would prompt her to reflect and make a choice for her long-term best interests.

Another approach could be—since it was past her time to leave the pool—saying to her, “The clock is running.” Explain that the phrase means she is now using up your time and will be accountable for it later.

Don’t tell her what that means. The next day let her know that she used 10 minutes of your time at the pool the day before and now it’s her turn to wait on you. Give her two choices of assignments—preferably distasteful ones. The key to remember is that SHE does the choosing. Or have her suggest an activity that will assist her to not repeat the behavior. Either way, having her choose is the prime difference between elicitation and imposition. Something elicited is owned by the person. Something imposed promotes victimhood thinking because it generates a feeling of lack of control. This feeling often results in blaming the person who imposed the punishment.

Finally, here is very simple technique to keep in mind—one we have experienced but may not have consciously thought about: THE PERSON WHO ASKS THE QUESTION CONTROLS THE CONVERSATION. When she asks you a question, and you enter into a discussion based on her question, she is controlling the conversation. Pull out of this by answering with your own question.

More information about how to handle situations like this one is explained in the parenting book.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Fostering Social Responsibility

March 26, 2010 By

At a meeting of representatives from the schools, a very interesting comment was made. A
representative said that her school did not have major discipline problems. The concern of the school had to do with the social skills and responsibility that students would carry with them
when they left the school, i.e., the influence the school would have on them in the future.

The comment struck a very tender spot with me—one that brought to mind how I got started and
why I am doing what I do.

I returned to the classroom after 24 years in school counseling, supervision, and administration—looking forward to the joy of once again working with young people. The prime factor that struck me more than any other in my observation of students was that so many of the current generation lacked the sense of responsibility of former generations. This prompted me to develop a system for promoting responsibility.

Using what I had gained from my experiences in teaching at all levels, as well as my counseling experiences and what I had learned as an elementary school principal, middle school administrator, and high school principal, I wrote my first book, ”FOSTERING SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY,” published by Phi Delta Kappa.

Some  foundations can be reduced to three principles: (1) People act better when they feel better. (2) People are empowered when given choices. (3) No one can change another person. A person CAN CONTROL another person but CANNOT CHANGE another person. People change themselves.

I also knew that, from my former teaching experiences that I had to teach procedures for everything that I wanted my students to do well. Well aware that teaching procedures is proactive and absolutely necessary for good classroom management, I thought, why not use a  PROactive approach—rather than a REactive approach?  Why wait until a student misbehaves and then REACT? in a negative way? Why not use Stephen Covey’s first habit of highly effective people? Be PROACTIVE; TEACH first.

This was the beginning of the “RAISE RESPONSIBILITY SYSTEM” now used in schools across the country and now available in books free of charge to any school in the U.S. that wants to use the approach. See Discipline Without Stress, Inc.  I did not set out to develop a discipline program. I set out to raise the level of social and individual responsibility of my students.

Here is what I discovered: With today’s youth, if you teach toward obedience, you will face resistance, rebellion, and defiance—more often than you care to. However, if you aim at and foster RESPONSIBILITY, you will get obedience as a natural by-product.

After developing a simple program, my discipline problems disappeared, my stress was reduced, and I truly regained the joy of classroom teaching. All I did was (1) TEACH four levels of social development, (2) hone my skills of asking reflective questions (already set up because the levels are a benchmark for reflection), and (3) with some students learn how to use authority without being punitive.

Suggestion: Reflect on the best path for your students—towards obedience or towards responsibility. I have learned that the former does not naturally transfer to the latter.


Filed Under: Responsibility Tagged With: , , ,

Self-Reflection

January 13, 2010 By

I had the pleasure of presenting to teachers of a religious school at the denomination’s campgrounds.

Between my Sunday evening keynote and my Monday afternoon seminar to the teachers, I invested some time in self-reflection.

Self-reflection focuses on looking inward—controlling passions, redirecting impulses, restraining oneself from temptation, monitoring one’s ego, assessing the balance between the amount of time devoted to entertainment and time devoted to learning, and other such things that will enable the individual to develop good character traits and become a good, contributing member of society.

Many of the early Americans—George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and of course Benjamin Franklin, to name but few—focused on what they could and would do to become better people.

Striving to improve oneself has long-been an American characteristic. As a youngster, my New Year’s resolutions were always aimed at self-improvement. The recent reflection time I invested at the campground reminded me that self-reflection is an activity in which I should engage in more regularly—especially as it relates to being positive and the choices I make. See Part II of the teaching model.

Filed Under: Discipline Tagged With: ,